|
[09 Oct 2007|02:02am] |
|
I jinxed it.
|
|
|
[07 May 2007|12:50am] |
|
what a waste of my life
|
|
|
[03 Jan 2006|01:35pm] |
The time between Christmas and New Year has been a giant blur.
|
|
|
[12 Jul 2005|08:15am] |
|
I'm not angry or bitter or sad, this must be an upswing. I hate that I'm just starting to actually feel seriously connected to him only to separate. I am terribly excited to be on my own.
|
|
| Goodness |
[03 May 2005|08:26pm] |
I hope my irrationality doesn't get the better of me. I'm developing a massive inferiority complex around him with regard to this other girl and even to him I guess. It's nothing I can't handle though.
The real root of our "problem" if you could even dignify it with such a label, is that we're both Cancers. We're both moody emotional insecure little brats who refuse to admit it so instead they just bitch. Luckily, one of us loves talking and the other loves listening. Just guess who does what. In two to four days this will be over completely.
-
I miss talking to Anthony all the time. He's so honest, I love it and miss it. I miss talking to Richard Terrell (and Richard Zacha before he decided he wouldn't marry me and he hates me) because he speaks in metaphors and that's hard to find. I miss my baby Aubree and her fierce absurdity that never fails to surprise and entertain me. There's a lot of things I miss, but lately, I'm regretting things less and less.
Things: they are what they are. I can't control everything, though I may be an expert at manipulating my environment. I can make people like me and make them hate me easier than you could possibly imagine. I can sometimes guide things to be how I want them, but when it doesn't work it's not a problem. When things backfire it's nothing to get upset over. I haven't been genuinely upset in a while now, since the great big explosion. I'm still expecting your explanation of God, those of you who have left me anticipating.
I like being kissed on my cheek or on my temple. Or on my collarbone. Matt never kisses my collarbone. I should make him sometime. I bet you he'd do it.
-
I'm glad I have scars up and down my arms and on parts of my legs. They're really good reminders for me of what an unbelievably resilient person I've become. There's nothing I can't handle.
So yeah, some stupid feelings of insecurity I'll get over for sure.
|
|
|
[29 Apr 2005|12:13am] |
Today, oh friends and foes, was fucking miraculous. It marks a new day in history for me:
One where, yeah I know, I seriously contemplated saying the L word to somebody who in all likelihood would say it back.
I'm starving. I left my phone at Matt's house. I left my smile on his collarbone.
THE WORLD IS RIDICULOUS.
|
|
|
[07 Apr 2005|03:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
This is for those of you who kept me smiling.
Boys are stupid, but I'll smirk anyway.
( I'm so happy regardless. )
Thank you. I'm not mad or upset anymore. All of the negativity is leaving my body and you're all going to be seeing a lot more of my grin.
Now, off to see the boy.
|
|
|
[04 Apr 2005|03:28pm] |
I'm going to write a story.
And in it you and I will live in separate castles.
I’m the good witch and you’re the evil warlock,
We’re left to battle for eternity!
We will each cast our m a g i c
To opposite sides of the horizon,
And see whose kingdom grows faster.
Somewhere along the lines though, we’ll figure out
Good and Evil, though strong on their own,
Always do much better when they aren’t alone.
Eventually we’ll conquer the whole world,
And then live happily ever after.
I'm going to write a second story.
And in it you will be less than royalty,
A farmer, a merchant, a peasant, not a king,
Who works hard for his food and is brimming (through the top)
With morals and integrity.
Always doing what’s right
And I’m going to be a soothsayer-funky-oracle and-
I'll bring you p r o p h e c y ,
(partly cloudy with a chance of rain, wear your poncho)
And laughter
You'll always dream of me (and I of you), thankfully.
And we'll live happily ever after.
I'm going to write another story,
Unconventional, it may be,
You, the prince, won't marry the b e a u t i f u l princess.
You'll go for that soft quiet girl over there,
With the short dark hair
Who looks bored and impatient with this
Life she's caught up in,
Like she’s left stuck here in between more important previous engagements.
She's the one who sees the future and cringes,
With her mouth turned up.
All of her faults, her guilt ridden past, you’ll take it.
And you'll fall in love and make many wishes,
All of which come true,
Then rescue her from despair and live sweetly,
Immortally, you live (between kisses),
Happily ever after.
I'm going to write a fourth story,
With dragons and kingdoms and a fairy godmother
Always wishing me well.
And the big strong knight who escapes from the fiery gates of Hell.
As I’m in my tower sighing.
"Oh Prince, handsome Prince...
Save me.”
And you hear me from afar and think,
"How melodramatic. But I guess it’s my job.”
And just as you’re slaying the dragon…
It all disappears and know what's left?
You and me - e x a c t l y as we are now.
Young, selfish, romantic and just how we should be.
And we’re going to live (of course),
Happily ever after.
I’m going to write a final story (going out with a bang),
Where I’m not actually writing, it’s just you and me.
We’ll rewrite every goddamn one of those happy endings,
You’ll give Romeo something to envy,
And face it, you’re a perfect Prince Charming.
It couldn't be b e t t e r.
I’ll be a sweeter lover than Cleopatra
And that naive Cinderella would be dust in the wind.
So, of course, you and I will live,
Come on, say it with me,
Happily ever after.
Cue the cynic-
Oh come on...
I'll never write a story.
And if I did it wouldn’t couldn’t
Be about you and me.
In this pathetic reality,
There is no “we”
Because you and I are like an egregious fairy tale
with an u n h a p p y ending.
Where the Prince dies, gun in hand
And the princess won't stop b l e e d i n g.
Found this from years ago. Not much changed.
|
|
| Look. It still hurts. Let's throw some salt in it, shall we? |
[03 Apr 2005|10:59pm] |
a great big empty roared
through, leaving drops of nothing
on it's trail: shrinking desire, shining in
the sunlight, eliminating hope. nothing
all around. none of this will
matter in ten years, she recited methodically,
each word rehearsed and replayed, testing
for proper inflection and emphasis so as to not
sound too cynical or too idealistic or too aware;
just as a fog appeared to spite the nonexistent.
the fog drifted,
permeating empty orifices; the
loveless space fills with mist--
God'd be proud. replacing the
intangible with what's within reach:
something better. a translation of the
unspoken sealed with locked eyes
and innately connected minds.
the sun reappears as the fog
awkwardly shuffles toward stage left-
the void opens once again, and what previously
served as gauze in an open wound
now slowly slips out as blood and
nothingness overtake the hole,
sun shining brightly.
|
|
|
[20 Feb 2005|11:09pm] |
|
And still I love nothing
|
|
|
[21 Nov 2004|09:32pm] |
I can't wait until Danny gets off cocaine, acid, weed, meth. He'll take over the world when that happens.
Someone should learn me some manners.
Matt's going out of town because his filthy rich parents are taking him skiing. I'm going to marry him because he's the sweetest person I know. Today we had a bonding experience. I like bonding. I have a scar on my back from him, ask to see it sometime. It's pretty hot.
|
|
| He's the kind of guy who rubs neosporin on your carpet burn. |
[07 Nov 2004|09:53pm] |
In the past week, I've lost twelve pounds. If I drop below 100 pounds I'm going to die.
This weekend was awesome. I love... oh my sweet Jesus. It just feels good, you know? Really feels nice to know somebody like that. I can't wait to see him again. So I can marry him.
Today at work sucked. But it doesn't matter, because I'm to the point that I have a crush on somebody I slept with this weekend (by with, do I mean with or next to? Both?) And he has a crush on me, too, because he told me so. I feel like this is a breakthrough of some sort. A good one.
I'm STILL excited about this. I feel like writing erotic, romantic poetry.
|
|
|
[19 Oct 2004|09:31pm] |
I had an awkward moment today, and it was pretty much my fault. I hope I didn't scare him; I think I scared him. When awkward things happen, I usually say, "Wow, this is awkward." Surpringsly, this rarely remedies the situation.
Oh my God, I'm a pretentious semi-colon user. Look at my semi-colon up there. Just look at it!
$5 for a small binder is fucking ridiculous. I could have used that money to support my drug addiction.
|
|
|
[27 Sep 2004|10:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
I think I cry like, every single day.
|
|
|
[17 Sep 2004|07:44pm] |
Johnny Ramone died.
I think Tommy is the only one that's left.
All I know is, there's something to be said for a punk guy who's Republican. Talking about going against the norm.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
sigh_and_rise's journal
exhausted